Carp Guardian shit in a bag

I aint been writing much recently, so I thought I'd break my silence with a triplet. Gems, each and every one. First up....

.... Shit in a bag. What is it with all the dog shit in bags that I see hanging off bushes in my neighbourhood? Can someone please explain what they are doing there?

Could it be that dog owners are picking up their dog's turd, placing the turd in a plastic bag, tying the bag in a neat bow... and then launching it into the bushes? Surely not. For this would, clearly, be the behaviour of a moron. Dog shit has one single positive quality: it biodegrades. BUT NOT IF YOU PUT IT IN A PLASTIC BAG AND HANG IT ON A BUSH.

Please, people, stop it. Those turds are going to be hanging there for ever.

Enough. Next gem...

....Why the Guardian is a shit in a bag. The reason can be found on reading this article about Andy Murray's notable achievement in winning the US Open. I'm guessing the article is supposed to be a bit of a giggle, written in that knowing style so beloved of your average Guardian columnist, but jeez AVERAGE is the word. Or maybe even offensive.

First Murray is COMMENDED because

the first thing he did after defeating Djokovic [was....] scrabble around in a panic for the Rado watch he is paid gazillions to wear precisely at moments like this. He hasn't had a lot of practice at bringing out the bling on the big stage before... At least he had the presence of mind to remember it.

Let's just remind ourselves that Murray had just won $1900000 for winning a tennis tournament. Indeed he'd won $950000 just for winning the final. Some people might call such amounts obscene... I'd be one of those people. That Murray's first thought after achieving a lifetime's goal was to satisfy his sponsor so he could get EVEN MORE MONEY doesn't make me admire Murray any more. It makes me think he might need his priorities realigning. And it makes me think the writer of this article is a bell-end.

There's plenty more where that came from. Later in the article:

 Murray needs new sponsors. Now that he can be officially listed as one of the tennis greats, it's time for him to rethink his branding. In particular, his sponsorship by the Royal Bank of Scotland, which dates back to the bad old days when Fred the Shred was running the show. RBS is a thoroughly discredited organisation and is not worthy of the association with a true champion. Loyalty is all very well, but there comes a time when a player of Murray's quality needs to move on.

Jesus CHRIST. His BRANDING?! Where does one even begin picking this shit apart? (There are some musing about Murray's haircut after that. The writer apparently needs to convince himself that, despite appearances, Murray has style and so his brand remains legitimate.)

Let me remind you that this article can be found in The Guardian, beloved champion of the down trodden.

Last gem...

... Total Carp. It's the name of a fishing magazine. I was taking my little feller to school and I saw it lying on the dashboard of a white van as I went past. A whole magazine devoted to the subject of carp! And people buy it! Brilliant!